Fighting Curled Up in My Bed

Again I take a break to think through somethings that I have been dealing with lately. It is one thing to state belief, another to seek relief and help. I have struggled between speaking the truth of my faith and the realization that I am riddled with sin. 

Zephaniah 3:17

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

Romans 8:13-14

"For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. Because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God."

I realize that I'm playing a dangerous game. Its one that I play often. I seek comfort of sheets and blankets and climb within my mind. My mind is a dangerous treacherous place filled with dragons and slimy slithering things. I have found within myself a strange lusting creature. She seeks the breath of passion and the kiss of hope. I build fantasies in which I take part, dreaming my wishes and leaving the reality of life behind. It is a struggle to leave this place once I have ventured within. Dragons are dangerous creatures who's wisdom is matched with malice. The slimy slithering things grab hold of me and drag me deeper within myself.

On Sunday, the sermon was on the Romans 8 passage. I was struck, more like pierced, by the realization of the depth of the sin with which I have tarried. I find that I have needed to seek the Spirit's help to keep myself clear of that easy to enter place. My creative mind beacons, offering what it has gathered within its dark expanse. The problem is that my creativity is not free of the dark depth of my sin. I create in the hope for glory. I create in the hope of escape. I create so I can be outside of myself. The problem is that my creative sin has spilled over into my reality. See if you release the dragon, it rains down destruction on everything and nothing is free of its seeking fire.

So I have found that I need to die to this part of myself. And it is a daily dying. I do not wish to live by the dark wishes of my flesh's nature. I have been bought at a dreadful price. I wish to live by the grace and power which is the Spirit. And in that Spirit I will find life, true and real.

At least that is the hope. The doing is harder then the writing of these words. Which is why I have decided to take the words of Zephaniah along with Paul's. "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save." I have to believe that this daily dying will find its joy in the might of God. I have to rest in the realization that I am a heir to that which Jesus gave up in order to save me. I must continue in this dying seeking the growth of God's identity growing within me. For it is not the identity of sin (death its true form); but rather the life of God's Spirit and the promise of sonship.